When things don't turn out as you expected
Life is full of surprises—sometimes good ones, and sometimes hard ones.
Your marriage ends with a betrayal. Your job ends suddenly, thrusting you into early retirement. Your child turns out to be a different gender than you expected. Your young adult child comes home to live with you again after you thought they were launched.
My partner has a motto for life that I love: "It's not what happens, it's what you do next."
We all have hard, unexpected things happen in our lives. I certainly didn't expect my marriage to fall apart, and I didn't plan on my work as an orchestral musician to end because of arthritis. Those are just two plot twists in my story, and I'm sure you have your own. There's a process that happens in the aftermath of a life surprise, one that we can move through with awareness and intention, and we don’t have to do it alone.
Before we can figure out what is “next…”
Before the stages of dreaming, planning, rebuilding, and moving forward, we are allowed to take time to catch our breath.
When things haven’t gone as I expected in my life, I have felt my nervous system being disrupted, along with my sense of internal perceptions. I work with clients to notice when their stress and trauma responses kick in. Then, we can slow down to notice what is happening:
Am I fists up, in fight mode? Irritable, itchy, and unsettled?
Am I in flight mode, feeling the need to go inward and retreat into my cocoon?
Am I frozen, numb, and feeling stuck? Immobilized, even when I ache for action?
Am I in fawning mode, being busy and taking care of everyone and everything but me?
All of these responses are normal and they serve a purpose—to protect us and remind us of what we need in challenging times.
Taking a pause
Sitting with discomfort and messiness, with the unexpected and the uncertainty of what's next, gives us space and time to accept our new reality. We can't rush or push ourselves through this stage. We may be carrying an array of emotions — fear, overwhelm, rage, or sadness. By taking a pause, we can honor all that we're holding and be present to the reality of the moment.
Acknowledging losses
When something doesn't turn out as we expected, it's also normal to feel a spectrum of losses. We can acknowledge the losses we are holding, and it can be helpful to name them—whether it be a loss of truth, faith, trust, understanding, or a loss of identity. A moment may come when we realize we can't go back in time to what we had before. This realization, as painful as it may be, can lead us toward acceptance—toward living with what is true now.
Moving forward
When I look back, I see how many good things have come from unexpected turns in my life. I see that the work of processing unexpected change takes time. It is hopeful work - moving toward making the best of what we didn’t expect.
My colleague Jennifer Reece, Bridges Health Coaching, and I are offering a small group coaching experience starting April 6th, 2026. We would love to have you join us for this transformational and supportive six-session journey for those navigating transition. Click here to learn more and register for our: "What Now? Circle"
If you or someone you know is seeking support during a difficult season, feel free to share this message. I have space to accept two new clients this month, and I invite you to reach out for a complimentary discovery session to explore how coaching might support your journey.
