The power you give by letting go

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go."

— Hermann Hesse

Not long ago, I was talking with a fellow coach, and I told her the story of a time in my life when everything fell apart.

When my children were in elementary school, we moved my lovely mom from Florida to Minnesota to be close to good medical care and our family. While I was helping her manage challenging health issues and cognitive decline, my marriage came under great pressure and fractured. Then the Minnesota Orchestra, where I held my dream job, entered a protracted work stoppage. The stress, emotional upheaval, and financial losses were devastating. While I may have appeared to power through, in reality, my life had become unmanageable.

As I shared this story, something shifted. A realization came to me — quiet but clear.

When helping becomes holding

I had been trying to hold power over everything and everyone around me. I was trying to manage my mom's life instead of honoring what mattered most to her: her sense of agency and autonomy. I was trying to manage my children, instead of trusting that they would learn to handle their own problems. In the committees I led, I had been asserting my will instead of welcoming the diversity of strengths and perspectives around me. When I finally saw this clearly, I also began to see the harm I had done.

Control, I was learning, is often a response to fear. When we feel unsteady in ourselves, we reach outward — trying to create certainty where there isn't any. The harder we grip, the more we lose.

What it means to truly empower

As I moved into a new chapter as a single, working mom, I began to loosen that grip. I focused on enjoying my mother's presence in my life, allowing her to handle what was within her capabilities. Empowering someone means giving them the agency, confidence, and resources to make their own decisions and achieve their own goals. In letting go, we create space that supports strength, self-reliance, and wellbeing — in them, and in us. When we do the opposite, we leave people feeling helpless or angry, unable to act on their own behalf.

There is a much greater joy in letting others own their power. Respecting the people in our lives — their choices, their preferences, their paths — is almost always better than imposing our own will.

A lesson from coach training

In my first week of the Mayo Clinic Wellness Coach Training Program, I learned something that genuinely surprised me: my future clients were the experts in their own lives. It's been the best lesson of my life — I don't know what is best for others.

Letting go, trusting, and allowing the people around us to own their power — these threads, woven together, create something stronger than control ever could.

I won't pretend I've mastered this. I still catch my old habits in action — the urge to step in, to fix, to guide when I haven't been asked, especially with my now young adult children. Now I pause and ask myself: am I here to listen and validate, or have I actually been asked to help find a solution? I notice the difference more quickly now. And each time I choose trust instead, something in me relaxes. This is the ongoing work — for me, and for many of the people I coach.

An invitation

If you're in a season of life where control feels like the only option, or where you're beginning to wonder what it might feel like to loosen your grip — that's worth exploring. Reach out for a complimentary discovery session to see how coaching might support your journey.

Where in your life might you be holding on a little too tightly? And what might open up if you let go? I'd love to hear your thoughts.