The no’s before the yes

“Failure is a detour, not a dead-end street.”

 – Zig Ziglar

When I was in music school, taking my first orchestra auditions, someone told me I'd hear nineteen no's for every yes on the road ahead. I wish I could remember who said it, or their exact words, but the idea has stuck with me over the years. It's a philosophy made famous by Zig Ziglar, and it reshaped how I thought about rejection long before I understood how much I'd need that perspective.

Hearing no is simply part of being alive and trying things. We may hear it in business, in the job market, in auditions, or in finding love. Here's the part that took time to really understand: most yeses are preceded by a long string of no's. The no's aren't the opposite of the yes — they're the path to it.

Stepping stones, not roadblocks

Once I understood the 1:19 reality, I stopped taking each no so personally and holding onto each outcome so tightly. I started to see the rejections along the way as stepping stones instead of dead ends. Each no could mean not now, instead of not ever. Every no I moved past built a little more resilience, a little more staying power on my path to winning an orchestra job. I also realized that if I kept going through all the no's, my competition would lessen. I could be the last one standing!

Some salespeople actually play this as a numbers game — they track cold calls, emails, and pitches, calculating how many attempts it takes to land one yes. But the useful part isn't just the math. It's what they do after each no. Progress comes from analysis and from asking: What went wrong? What could I do better next time? As Ziglar put it, "If you learn from defeat, you haven't really lost." That's true whether you're in sales, buying a home, job hunting, auditioning, or even dating.

Unflappable and willing to change

I knew early on that I wasn't the most naturally gifted flutist. I didn't have the most beautiful tone, the most natural vibrato, or the most effortless technique, but somewhere along the way, I realized I could be tougher and smarter about how I approached my goal. I could be a teachable student and a determined, unflappable competitor — that could become my edge.

I also learned early on that to keep improving, I had to keep changing. Growth isn't a one-time correction. It's an ongoing willingness to adjust, again and again, in response to what the no's are actually telling you. The no's can become data points, feedback for what could change, and what we might do differently.

When it feels like the Universe is saying no

I was recently working with a client who put it a different way. "It feels like the Universe just keeps telling me no," she said. She'd been taking risks in several areas of her life at once — trying new things, extending herself, putting herself out there, and nothing was landing the way she'd hoped.

When the no's stack up like that, it's easy to slide into a spiral: What's wrong with me? Is it always going to be like this? Will I ever get there? Anxiety, regret, and self-doubt start to feel bigger than the original disappointment ever was.

Forcing positivity doesn't help, but zooming out does. Psychological distancing means trading What's wrong with me? for a different question: Is the Universe really saying no? Or is it saying not now? With that perspective, we may see a reframe or a shift in approach worth trying.

Life moves in cycles — things go down, and they come back up. The no's rarely stay no's forever, and it helps to be willing to look at them with curiosity instead of just enduring them. Looking back at when big wins have happened in our life can give us an insight into what might work for us in the present as we approach our goals.

A lot of little yeses

Alongside all those no's, I also made progress toward my goal of playing in a major symphony orchestra through a lot of little yeses — a callback, an encouraging word from a mentor, a slightly better round than last time. None of them was the whole win, but each one was just enough to keep me going. I learned to take the small yeses seriously, to let them refuel me, and to keep moving forward.

The no’s we encounter along our paths still sting. Yet we can choose to remember to take a breath and ask: Is this a judgment or a stepping stone? We can look beyond the no’s for the little yeses we've been walking past all along.

Would you like support building resilience to withstand no’s — strength to keep going, and a fresh perspective when you need it? Reach out — I'm here.