How can I forgive myself?
"Take forgiveness slowly. Don't blame yourself for being slow. Peace will come."
— Yoko Ono
Like many mothers and daughters, my mom and I had our struggles. We had the fierce love of a mother and her first child, and I fought hard to help make the last chapter in her life as safe and joyful as possible. As she faded away in her final days, I told her I was sorry for the ways I had battled her, and she graced me with a light sweep of her hand, as if she was forgiving everything. I knew in that moment that she forgave me, but the next step was more difficult: I had to forgive myself.
Of all the turns in the forgiveness journey, this one may be the hardest. We can sometimes find our way to forgiving another person, even someone who hasn't asked for it, even someone who has hurt us deeply. But forgiving ourselves is a different kind of work entirely.
Why is it so hard?
There is real discomfort in looking honestly at the ways we have behaved and the harm we have caused. Guilt and regret can be intense, and in some ways, that's appropriate. Those feelings tell us that something mattered, and that we have a conscience worth listening to.
But when guilt stops being a signal and starts becoming a permanent residence, it works against us. Research shows that holding on to negative emotions about ourselves lowers self-esteem and opens the door to anxiety and depression. Moving toward self-forgiveness, on the other hand, builds resilience, emotional balance, and healthier relationships — not just with others, but with ourselves.
Self-forgiveness isn't a single moment of decision. It unfolds over time, through emotional work and honest reflection. At its heart, it requires three things: understanding what happened and accepting our part in it, practicing self-compassion, and committing to do better going forward.
The role of self-compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff identifies three elements that work together to help us treat ourselves with care rather than condemnation, especially when we've fallen short.
Self-Kindness means offering ourselves the warmth and understanding we would readily extend to a friend. A client recently shared the harsh internal dialogue she was having after a difficult conversation with her daughter. Together, we explored her hopes and intentions, looked honestly at the impact of her words, and planned how she might circle back with love. She realized that her inner critic doesn't have to have the last word.
Common Humanity is the recognition that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of our shared human experience. My client softened when we talked about the fact that almost every parent wrestles with the balance between supporting their child and encouraging their independence. Remembering we are not uniquely broken — not alone in our struggles — can loosen shame's grip just enough to let something gentler in.
Mindfulnessmeans being present with our discomfort rather than being swept away by it. I reminded this client that when difficult emotions rise in an important conversation, she can always pause, breathe, and notice what's happening inside before reacting. It doesn't make the feeling disappear, but it keeps the feeling from being in charge.
The practice of forgiving ourselves
We begin by looking clearly at what happened, not to punish ourselves, but to understand. What was our part? What did we hope for, and what went wrong? Honest reflection combined with compassion is what separates self-forgiveness from excusing ourselves when we have caused harm to others, or even to ourselves.
When we've caused harm, making amends with a genuine apology, a specific commitment to do things differently, matters. And then comes the harder part: choosing to release the ongoing self-punishment. Not pretending it didn't happen, but acknowledging that continuing to carry it isn't serving anyone.
As Kristin Neff writes, "Our successes and failures come and go — they neither define us nor do they determine our worthiness."
The gift of self-forgiveness
Our work isn't to become someone who never gets it wrong. It's to become someone who knows how to make it right and to give themselves a little grace along the way. When guilt resurfaces for me in a moment or a memory, I try to offer myself some gentleness and self-compassion. I know that my mother would not want me to hold on to guilt all these years later. She would want me to remember the forgiveness we gave to each other in a moment of love and parting.
Is there something you've been carrying that might be ready to be set down? If you're navigating a hard season of self-judgment, or simply want to move through the world with more compassion — for others and for yourself — I'd love to offer a complimentary discovery session. Reach out — I'm here.
With warmth,
Wendy
